Stupid Name Giver and Other Laughs

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Stupid Name Giver

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house. While he was sneaking around he heard a voice say, "Jesús is watching you." 

He looked around and saw nothing. He kept on creeping and again heard, "Jesús is watching you." 

In a dark corner, he saw a cage with a parrot inside. The burglar asked the parrot, "Was it you who said Jesús is watching me?" 

The parrot replied, "Yes." 

Relieved, the burglar asked, "What is your name?" 

The parrot said, "Clarence." 

The burglar said, "That's a stupid name for a parrot. What idiot named you Clarence?" 

The parrot answered, "The same idiot that named the rottweiler Jesús."

-o0o-

Empty Seat

It's game seven of the NBA finals and a man makes his way to his seat at center court. He sits down and notices that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone is sitting there. 

The second man responds, "No, the seat's empty." 

"The first man exclaims, "What?! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the NBA finals and not use it?" 

The neighbor responds, "Well the seat is mine, but my wife passed away and this is the first NBA finals we haven't been together." 

The first man responds," I'm sorry to hear that. Wasn't there anyone else, a friend or relative, that could've taken that seat?" 

The neighbor responds, "No, they're all at the funeral."

-o0o-

Panda

A panda walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a sandwich. He eats, pulls out a gun, and shoots the waiter dead. 

As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for the food!" 

The panda yells back, "Hey man, I'm a panda. Look it up!" 

The bartender opens his dictionary to panda, "A tree climbing mammal of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats, shoots, and leaves."

-o0o-

Cranky Monk

Every ten years, the monks in the monastery are allowed to break their vow of silence to speak two words. 

Ten years go by and it’s one monk’s first chance. He thinks for a second before saying, “Food bad.” 

Ten years later, he says, “Bed hard.” 

It’s the big day, a decade later. He gives the head monk a long stare and says, “I quit.” 

“I’m not surprised,” the head monk says. “You’ve been complaining ever since you got here.”