R18: Bad Best Friend and Others

Bad Best Friend 

A GUY walks into a bar and orders a triple Scotch. The bartender pours him the drink and the guy downs it in one gulp.

“Wow,” says the bartender. “Something bad must have happened.”

“Yeah,” the guy said. “I came home early today, went up to the bedroom, and found my wife having sex with my best friend.”

The bartender pours the guy another triple shot. “This one's on the house.”

The guy gulps it down once again. The bartender asks, “Did you say anything to your wife?

“Yeah,” the guy answered. “I walked up to her and told her to pack her bags and get out.”

“What about your friend?”

“I looked him straight in the eye and said, ‘Bad dog!’”

-o0o-

Boots that fit

A lady went into a bar and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest boots she’d ever seen. The woman asked the cowboy if it was true what they say about men with big feet are well endowed.

The cowboy grinned and said, “Sure is, little lady. Why don’t you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?”

The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spends the night with him. The next morning, she hands him a hundred in cash.

Blushing, he said, "Well, thanks ma’am. I’m real flattered. Ain’t nobody ever paid me for my services before.”

“Don’t be flattered. Take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit.”

-o0o-

Four nuns’ confessions

There were four nuns in line for confession. The first nun said, “Forgive me, Father. I have sinned.”

The priest asks how, and the first nun answers, “I saw a man’s private part.”

The priest tells the nun to wash her eyes with holy water.

The second nun comes in and says, “Forgive me, Father. I have sinned.”

The priest asks how, and the second nun answers, “I touched a man’s private part.”

The priest tells the nun to wash her hands with holy water. A few minutes later, he is stunned to hear the third and fourth nun fighting.

He asks them why, and the fourth nun answers, “I’m not going to wash my mouth with the holy water if she’s going to sit in it!”

-o0o-

Two different movies

A guy with a black eye walks into a bar and orders a triple bourbon. The bartender says "Having a tough day, huh?"

The guy says, "Yeah. My wife and I were doing the dishes and she turned to me and said 'Why don't we ever make love like in the movies?' So I bent her over the kitchen table, yanked her pants down and rammed it in. I jackhammered her and slapped her on the ass as I pummeled her. Then I pulled it out, turned her around and blew my load all over her face."

The bartender said, "Wow! But what's up with the black eye?”

"Turns out we watch different movies."

 

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