R18: Wrong Partner and Others

Wrong Partner

A VISITING professor at Florida State University is giving a seminar on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: "How many people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands. 

"Well that’s a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you’ve ever seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands. 

"That’s really good. I’m really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?” This time, 15 students raise their hands. 

"That’s a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" Three students raise their hands. 

"That’s fantastic. But let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?" 

One redneck student in the back raises his hand. Astonished, the professor takes off his glasses, takes a step back, and says, "Son, all the years I’ve been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You’ve got to come up here and tell us about your experience." 

The redneck student replies with a nod and a grin, and begins to make his way up to the podium. The professor says, "Well, tell us what it’s like to have sex with a ghost." 

The student replies, “Ghost? Damn... From back there I thought you said ‘goats’!”

-o0o-

Chinese Torture

A young man was wandering, lost, in a forest when he came upon a small house. Knocking on the door he was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, gray beard. 

"I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?" 

"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man." 

"OK," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house. 

Before dinner the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man as she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. 

Remembering the old man's warning he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during the night he could bear it no longer and snuck into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear and, near dawn, he crept back to his room, exhausted but happy. 

He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes, he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest." 

"Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. 

As he did so he noticed another note on it that read "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic, he glanced down and saw the line that was already getting close to taut. 

Figuring that a few broken bones were better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost." 

-o0o-

He wants the bartender

A homosexual guy walks into a bar and sees a monkey sitting on the bar table.  "What's the monkey for?" asks the gay guy. 

"Watch this," says the bartender. He whacks the monkey on the head, and then the monkey goes crazy running around the bar table. The monkey then runs up to the bartender, whips down his pants and starts sucking his dick. The gay guy is amazed. 

"Wanna try?" asks the bartender.

The gay guy responds, "Sure, but don’t hit me so hard!" 

 

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