R18: More Than She Bargained For and Others

MORE THAN SHE BARGAINED FOR

A MAN is sitting on his own in a restaurant when he sees a beautiful woman at another table. He sends her a bottle of the most expensive wine on the menu, and she writes him a note: “I will not touch a drop of this wine unless you can assure me that you have seven inches in your pants.”

He writes back to her, “Give me back the wine. As gorgeous as you are, I’m not cutting off three inches for anyone.”

-o0o-

Good for the cucumbers

A woman is having a hard time getting her tomatoes to ripen so she goes to her neighbor with her problem. The neighbor says, “All you have to do is go out at midnight and dance around in the garden naked for a few minutes, and the tomatoes will become so embarrassed, they will blush bright red.”

The woman goes out at midnight and dances around her garden naked for a few minutes. The next morning, the neighbor comes over to the woman's house and asks the woman if her tomatoes have turned red. 

The woman says, “No, they're still green, but I noticed the cucumbers grew four inches!”

-o0o-

Sweet Revenge

Two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years in high school were both virgins; they enjoyed losing their virginity with each other in 10th grade. When they graduated, they wanted to both go to the same college but the girl was accepted to a college on the east coast, and the guy went to the west coast. They agreed to be faithful to each other and spend anytime they could together.

As time went on, the guy would call the girl and she would never be home, and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return the letters. Even when he emailed her, she took days to return his messages.

Finally, she confessed to him she wanted to date around. He didn't take this very well and increased his calls, letters, and emails trying to win back her love. Because she became annoyed, and now had a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back.

So, what she did is this: she took a Polaroid picture of her sucking her new boyfriend's cock and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, "I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone." 

Well, needless to say, this guy was heartbroken but, even more so, was pissed. So, what he did next was awesome.

He wrote on the back of the photo the following, "Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money!" and mailed the picture to her parents.

-o0o-

Ready Holes

A lady dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, she finds a few people waiting, so she decides to have some small chat with them.

All of a sudden she hears a bloodcurdling scream from inside the Pearly Gates. Alarmed, she asks Saint Peter, “What was that?”

"Oh, don't worry about that," says Saint Peter, "it's just someone getting a hole drilled in their head so they can be fitted for their halo." 

A few seconds later, she hears another agonized scream, this one even more terrible than the one before. "What was that?!" she asked anxiously. 

"Oh, don't worry," says Saint Peter soothingly, "it's just someone getting holes drilled in their back so they can be fitted for their wings." 

The lady starts to back away. "Where are you going?" asks Saint Peter. 

"I think I'll go downstairs, if it's all the same to you," says the lady. 

"But you can't go there," says the saint. "You'll be raped and sodomized!" 

"It's okay," says the lady, "I've already got the holes for that." 

 

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